5th ANNUAL MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS PLAY BY PLAY

2005 / 2004 / 2003 / 2002

8:00 The show begins with an overabundance of light piercing the New York City skyline. I thought that Tri-State Toyota was getting a jump on their Labor Day sales event, but as it turns out it’s just Jay-Z illuminated by dozens of spotlights powered by ten billion joules of energy and fueled entirely by his ego.

8:01 If sexy = singing as though you’ve just been kicked in the balls, looking like a skinhead stockbroker, and bringing out a chunky black guy dressed up as an undertaker, then Justin Timberlake has successfully brought it back.

8:08 Jack Black, in an outfit obviously designed by Kayne from Project Runway, is already on “silly rock song” autopilot less than ten minutes into this thing.

8:13 Black opts for plan B: Lou Reed performs “White Light/White Heat” with Jack White and The Raconteurs. The song is cruel, as it tempts poor ol’ Fergie to run out and score some meth in Bushwick.

8:15 Lil Kim thanks a number of people for “holding her down” while she was in jail, but unfortunately none of them was a stylist.

8:17 Look at all the cobras! I knew it, MTV are nothing but a bunch of Cobra sympathizers. The statuettes? Figurines of Destro.

8:25 Ciara and Andre 3000, who was once a rapper back in the 90s, present the best Hip Hop award to Black Eyed Peas for “My Humps.”

8:29 Shakira shakes her incredibly truthful hips, and the cobras fall under her spell. She is, if you will, the Cobra Commander.

8:32 Wyclef must wish that there was an MTV award analogue to “best supporting actor.” He’s the Phillip Seymour Hoffman of pop.

8:34 The cast of Jackass have filmed a touching PSA speaking out against the usage of homoerotic torture in Iraq.

8:36 Jack White jams a bit as though he’s G.E. Smith on a rerun of SNL from the early 90s.

8:42 We know that the guy on the left is 50 Cent because he has the number 50 written out on his chest with dimes. (Fiddy has trouble with currency.)

8:45 Lil Jon, arriving just in time from four zeitgeists ago, is here to introduce Ludacris and Pharrell.

8:57 Kyle Gass is part of Jack Black’s rider. You just have to deal with it.

8:59 Jessica Simpson is here! Let’s make rack jokes!

9:01 Judging by the nominated songs, Best Dance Video is the category that is apparently the easiest to get into bed.

9:02 The Pussycat Dolls give Snoop Dogg a shout out from the stage, and he responds with a look suggesting that performing on their single was like getting married in Vegas. You can see him trying to mentally erase himself from that video, but you know that he will be doing the walk of shame through Radio City for the rest of the night.

9:06 These OK Go guys suck. They aren’t even bothering to lip synch! They can’t even stay on their treadmills. They’re never going to burn any carbs like this.

9:13 The Jackass guys are here to warn us all of the devastating effects of red tide on the indigenous shellfish population.

9:16 Paris Hilton, who is apparently in no mood to lip synch any of her own songs, is here to introduce the All-American Rejects. I guess that this music is some kind of emo, but I’m not sure, and it barely even matters. They definitely spent more time on designing their logo than writing their song.

9:19 Nick Lachey, the Milhouse’s Dad of pop, is here to present Best Pop Video with a talking skeleton coated in paraffin.

9:20 Pink wins, and as she makes her acceptance speech it is difficult to tell whether she is channeling Courtney Love, Anna Nicole Smith, or Mike Tyson.

9:28 Wait, has anyone ever seen Vincent from Project Runway and MTV News’ John Norris in the same place?

9:29 Oh come on, who the hell would even turn on Brendan Benson’s microphone? Jack White is far too nice to his friends.

9:30 Snoop Dog, desperate to earn back some credibility after that Pussycats Dolls debacle, comes out with a gin and juice in an attempt to reminds us of one of the more respectable singles in his discography.

9:34 BEYONCE DESCENDS!

9:37 Beyonce is accosted by fashion police in riot gear who are apparently busting her for breaking a New York state law prohibiting back up dancers from wearing trenchcoats while cage dancing.

9:45 Diddy needs to change it up. He’s getting too complacent in his whole shtick. That’s a very serious comment, by the way.

9:51 Jack Black hasn’t even bothered to change his outfit in an hour. I guess they didn’t bother to prepare multiple ill-fitting suits for him to wear.

9:52 Jared Leto is just making me shudder with every word that he utters.

10:03 Fort Minor (aka a guy from Linkin Park) just won for Best Ringtone and I feel a bit disconcerted, as though they are running a clip from next year’s show.

10:05 Whoa! The bass player from Fall Out Boy just let the lead singer speak on camera!

10:06 Hey, Panic! At The Disco have seen some Tim Burton movies.

10:10 Fergie and the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine grind awkwardly for a few moments, and then present Best New Artist to Avenged Sevenfold, who are going to have a great story to tell the rest of their World of Warcraft guild this weekend.

10:20 How is it that Jack White is so great with Meg, but so awful with The Raconteurs? The man can apparently only thrive within strict limitations.

10:21 Wow, this Britney and K-Fed pilot looks great! That’s going to be on Fox, right?

10:23 Beyonce wins for “Check On It,” which is probably the single best song in this broadcast thus far, including “White Light/White Heat.”

10:25 Kanye West presents the Video Vanguard award to Hype Williams. I appreciate this choice, since his videos are arguably more crucial to the evolution of MTV’s visual aesthetic than the music of the artists he filmed.

10:29 Some iconic Williams videos are reenacted on stage, including Missy Elliott’s “The Rain.” Yes, this means Missy is back in that weird shiny garbage bag suit! She’s riding around in a miniature Escalade, but it stalls out and she’s pushed along to the edge of the stage.

10:32 Be honest. You didn’t expect Hype Williams to look like that, did you?

10:34 Why didn’t they just have Sarah Silverman host this thing? This is her third bit, and she’s been much better than Jack Black, who is totally phoning it in. This isn’t to say that she’s been incredibly funny, it’s just that she’s at least bringing her A game, such as it is.

10:42 Hey, Xtina! What are you gonna sing? Oh, not one of the good ones? Is this “Send In The Clowns”? Oh, I see. The boring, overwrought adult contemporary power ballad from the second disc. Really? Well, maybe another time. At least the dress is nice, dear.

10:47 Lou Reed is still here? He looks like he might be Pink’s pimp. He says that he wants to see more rock and roll on MTV, but I’m not sure if he counts shitty emo bands as rock since he seems deeply mortified when the winner of the Best Rock award (or, judging by the nominated clips, Best Straight Dudes With Mascara), AFI, gleefully acknowledge his presence on stage with them in their acceptance speech.

10:52 The guy from ZZ Top? Really?

11:01 Jack Black, I like you, but you need new jokes, man. Justin Timberlake assembling furniture in JB’s dressing room was pretty funny, though.

11:04 The Jackass guys are back with another PSA urging young men to examine their friends for testi

cular cancer.

11:05 If I was in Fall Out Boy, I’d be realllllly worried about going up to accept an award from the deranged fratboys of Jackass.

11:06 Yeah, my instincts were right on about that. Man, the bass player of Fall Out Boy just can’t stomach his leader singer at all, can he?

11:08 Al Gore’s looking a bit goth. He’s just doing a bunch of jokes about gas or something.

11:16 Yeah, that was Jim Jarmusch with the Raconteurs.

11:17 Wow, whoever designed J. Lo’s outfit is totally getting kicked off Project Runway this week.

11:19 Panic! At The Disco win Best Video of the Year, but some black dude called Six grabbed the mic and plugged something or other. It’s hard to care, though. These guys kids are just so dull.

11:22 Axl Rose, looking like Richard Branson in cornrows, screeches an expletive and introduces The Killers. But the thing is, he seems more like a guy who kinda looks like Axl than the guy who used to do snake dances and whatnot. Who are you now, Axl?

11:23 What’s with the Freddie Mercury look, Brandon Flowers? Are you trying to say something?

11:24 Something about your sexuality?

11:25 It’s okay, dude, you can tell us, and your drummer, who looks like Jason Lee on My Name Is Earl.

11:28 Mercifully, it finally ends.

Written with Todd Serencha of The Face Knife.