September 1st, 2006 10:01am
5th ANNUAL MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS PLAY BY PLAY
2005 / 2004 / 2003 / 2002
8:00 The show begins with an overabundance of light piercing the New York City skyline. I thought that Tri-State Toyota was getting a jump on their Labor Day sales event, but as it turns out it's just Jay-Z illuminated by dozens of spotlights powered by ten billion joules of energy and fueled entirely by his ego.
8:01 If sexy = singing as though you've just been kicked in the balls, looking like a skinhead stockbroker, and bringing out a chunky black guy dressed up as an undertaker, then Justin Timberlake has successfully brought it back.
8:08 Jack Black, in an outfit obviously designed by Kayne from Project Runway, is already on "silly rock song" autopilot less than ten minutes into this thing.
8:13 Black opts for plan B: Lou Reed performs "White Light/White Heat" with Jack White and The Raconteurs. The song is cruel, as it tempts poor ol' Fergie to run out and score some meth in Bushwick.
8:15 Lil Kim thanks a number of people for "holding her down" while she was in jail, but unfortunately none of them was a stylist.
8:17 Look at all the cobras! I knew it, MTV are nothing but a bunch of Cobra sympathizers. The statuettes? Figurines of Destro.
8:25 Ciara and Andre 3000, who was once a rapper back in the 90s, present the best Hip Hop award to Black Eyed Peas for "My Humps."
8:29 Shakira shakes her incredibly truthful hips, and the cobras fall under her spell. She is, if you will, the Cobra Commander.
8:32 Wyclef must wish that there was an MTV award analogue to "best supporting actor." He's the Phillip Seymour Hoffman of pop.
8:34 The cast of Jackass have filmed a touching PSA speaking out against the usage of homoerotic torture in Iraq.
8:36 Jack White jams a bit as though he's G.E. Smith on a rerun of SNL from the early 90s.
8:42 We know that the guy on the left is 50 Cent because he has the number 50 written out on his chest with dimes. (Fiddy has trouble with currency.)
8:45 Lil Jon, arriving just in time from four zeitgeists ago, is here to introduce Ludacris and Pharrell.
8:57 Kyle Gass is part of Jack Black's rider. You just have to deal with it.
8:59 Jessica Simpson is here! Let's make rack jokes!
9:01 Judging by the nominated songs, Best Dance Video is the category that is apparently the easiest to get into bed.
9:02 The Pussycat Dolls give Snoop Dogg a shout out from the stage, and he responds with a look suggesting that performing on their single was like getting married in Vegas. You can see him trying to mentally erase himself from that video, but you know that he will be doing the walk of shame through Radio City for the rest of the night.
9:06 These OK Go guys suck. They aren't even bothering to lip synch! They can't even stay on their treadmills. They're never going to burn any carbs like this.
9:13 The Jackass guys are here to warn us all of the devastating effects of red tide on the indigenous shellfish population.
9:16 Paris Hilton, who is apparently in no mood to lip synch any of her own songs, is here to introduce the All-American Rejects. I guess that this music is some kind of emo, but I'm not sure, and it barely even matters. They definitely spent more time on designing their logo than writing their song.
9:19 Nick Lachey, the Milhouse's Dad of pop, is here to present Best Pop Video with a talking skeleton coated in paraffin.
9:20 Pink wins, and as she makes her acceptance speech it is difficult to tell whether she is channeling Courtney Love, Anna Nicole Smith, or Mike Tyson.
9:28 Wait, has anyone ever seen Vincent from Project Runway and MTV News' John Norris in the same place?
9:29 Oh come on, who the hell would even turn on Brendan Benson's microphone? Jack White is far too nice to his friends.
9:30 Snoop Dog, desperate to earn back some credibility after that Pussycats Dolls debacle, comes out with a gin and juice in an attempt to reminds us of one of the more respectable singles in his discography.
9:34 BEYONCE DESCENDS!
9:37 Beyonce is accosted by fashion police in riot gear who are apparently busting her for breaking a New York state law prohibiting back up dancers from wearing trenchcoats while cage dancing.
9:45 Diddy needs to change it up. He's getting too complacent in his whole shtick. That's a very serious comment, by the way.
9:51 Jack Black hasn't even bothered to change his outfit in an hour. I guess they didn't bother to prepare multiple ill-fitting suits for him to wear.
9:52 Jared Leto is just making me shudder with every word that he utters.
10:03 Fort Minor (aka a guy from Linkin Park) just won for Best Ringtone and I feel a bit disconcerted, as though they are running a clip from next year's show.
10:05 Whoa! The bass player from Fall Out Boy just let the lead singer speak on camera!
10:06 Hey, Panic! At The Disco have seen some Tim Burton movies.
10:10 Fergie and the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine grind awkwardly for a few moments, and then present Best New Artist to Avenged Sevenfold, who are going to have a great story to tell the rest of their World of Warcraft guild this weekend.
10:20 How is it that Jack White is so great with Meg, but so awful with The Raconteurs? The man can apparently only thrive within strict limitations.
10:21 Wow, this Britney and K-Fed pilot looks great! That's going to be on Fox, right?
10:23 Beyonce wins for "Check On It," which is probably the single best song in this broadcast thus far, including "White Light/White Heat."
10:25 Kanye West presents the Video Vanguard award to Hype Williams. I appreciate this choice, since his videos are arguably more crucial to the evolution of MTV's visual aesthetic than the music of the artists he filmed.
10:29 Some iconic Williams videos are reenacted on stage, including Missy Elliott's "The Rain." Yes, this means Missy is back in that weird shiny garbage bag suit! She's riding around in a miniature Escalade, but it stalls out and she's pushed along to the edge of the stage.
10:32 Be honest. You didn't expect Hype Williams to look like that, did you?
10:34 Why didn't they just have Sarah Silverman host this thing? This is her third bit, and she's been much better than Jack Black, who is totally phoning it in. This isn't to say that she's been incredibly funny, it's just that she's at least bringing her A game, such as it is.
10:42 Hey, Xtina! What are you gonna sing? Oh, not one of the good ones? Is this "Send In The Clowns"? Oh, I see. The boring, overwrought adult contemporary power ballad from the second disc. Really? Well, maybe another time. At least the dress is nice, dear.
10:47 Lou Reed is still here? He looks like he might be Pink's pimp. He says that he wants to see more rock and roll on MTV, but I'm not sure if he counts shitty emo bands as rock since he seems deeply mortified when the winner of the Best Rock award (or, judging by the nominated clips, Best Straight Dudes With Mascara), AFI, gleefully acknowledge his presence on stage with them in their acceptance speech.
10:52 The guy from ZZ Top? Really?
11:01 Jack Black, I like you, but you need new jokes, man. Justin Timberlake assembling furniture in JB's dressing room was pretty funny, though.
11:04 The Jackass guys are back with another PSA urging young men to examine their friends for testi cular cancer.
11:05 If I was in Fall Out Boy, I'd be realllllly worried about going up to accept an award from the deranged fratboys of Jackass.
11:06 Yeah, my instincts were right on about that. Man, the bass player of Fall Out Boy just can't stomach his leader singer at all, can he?
11:08 Al Gore's looking a bit goth. He's just doing a bunch of jokes about gas or something.
11:16 Yeah, that was Jim Jarmusch with the Raconteurs.
11:17 Wow, whoever designed J. Lo's outfit is totally getting kicked off Project Runway this week.
11:19 Panic! At The Disco win Best Video of the Year, but some black dude called Six grabbed the mic and plugged something or other. It's hard to care, though. Theseguys kids are just so dull.
11:22 Axl Rose, looking like Richard Branson in cornrows, screeches an expletive and introduces The Killers. But the thing is, he seems more like a guy who kinda looks like Axl than the guy who used to do snake dances and whatnot. Who are you now, Axl?
11:23 What's with the Freddie Mercury look, Brandon Flowers? Are you trying to say something?
11:24 Something about your sexuality?
11:25 It's okay, dude, you can tell us, and your drummer, who looks like Jason Lee on My Name Is Earl.
11:28 Mercifully, it finally ends.
Written with Todd Serencha of The Face Knife.
8:00 The show begins with an overabundance of light piercing the New York City skyline. I thought that Tri-State Toyota was getting a jump on their Labor Day sales event, but as it turns out it's just Jay-Z illuminated by dozens of spotlights powered by ten billion joules of energy and fueled entirely by his ego.
8:01 If sexy = singing as though you've just been kicked in the balls, looking like a skinhead stockbroker, and bringing out a chunky black guy dressed up as an undertaker, then Justin Timberlake has successfully brought it back.
8:08 Jack Black, in an outfit obviously designed by Kayne from Project Runway, is already on "silly rock song" autopilot less than ten minutes into this thing.
8:13 Black opts for plan B: Lou Reed performs "White Light/White Heat" with Jack White and The Raconteurs. The song is cruel, as it tempts poor ol' Fergie to run out and score some meth in Bushwick.
8:15 Lil Kim thanks a number of people for "holding her down" while she was in jail, but unfortunately none of them was a stylist.
8:17 Look at all the cobras! I knew it, MTV are nothing but a bunch of Cobra sympathizers. The statuettes? Figurines of Destro.
8:25 Ciara and Andre 3000, who was once a rapper back in the 90s, present the best Hip Hop award to Black Eyed Peas for "My Humps."
8:29 Shakira shakes her incredibly truthful hips, and the cobras fall under her spell. She is, if you will, the Cobra Commander.
8:32 Wyclef must wish that there was an MTV award analogue to "best supporting actor." He's the Phillip Seymour Hoffman of pop.
8:34 The cast of Jackass have filmed a touching PSA speaking out against the usage of homoerotic torture in Iraq.
8:36 Jack White jams a bit as though he's G.E. Smith on a rerun of SNL from the early 90s.
8:42 We know that the guy on the left is 50 Cent because he has the number 50 written out on his chest with dimes. (Fiddy has trouble with currency.)
8:45 Lil Jon, arriving just in time from four zeitgeists ago, is here to introduce Ludacris and Pharrell.
8:57 Kyle Gass is part of Jack Black's rider. You just have to deal with it.
8:59 Jessica Simpson is here! Let's make rack jokes!
9:01 Judging by the nominated songs, Best Dance Video is the category that is apparently the easiest to get into bed.
9:02 The Pussycat Dolls give Snoop Dogg a shout out from the stage, and he responds with a look suggesting that performing on their single was like getting married in Vegas. You can see him trying to mentally erase himself from that video, but you know that he will be doing the walk of shame through Radio City for the rest of the night.
9:06 These OK Go guys suck. They aren't even bothering to lip synch! They can't even stay on their treadmills. They're never going to burn any carbs like this.
9:13 The Jackass guys are here to warn us all of the devastating effects of red tide on the indigenous shellfish population.
9:16 Paris Hilton, who is apparently in no mood to lip synch any of her own songs, is here to introduce the All-American Rejects. I guess that this music is some kind of emo, but I'm not sure, and it barely even matters. They definitely spent more time on designing their logo than writing their song.
9:19 Nick Lachey, the Milhouse's Dad of pop, is here to present Best Pop Video with a talking skeleton coated in paraffin.
9:20 Pink wins, and as she makes her acceptance speech it is difficult to tell whether she is channeling Courtney Love, Anna Nicole Smith, or Mike Tyson.
9:28 Wait, has anyone ever seen Vincent from Project Runway and MTV News' John Norris in the same place?
9:29 Oh come on, who the hell would even turn on Brendan Benson's microphone? Jack White is far too nice to his friends.
9:30 Snoop Dog, desperate to earn back some credibility after that Pussycats Dolls debacle, comes out with a gin and juice in an attempt to reminds us of one of the more respectable singles in his discography.
9:34 BEYONCE DESCENDS!
9:37 Beyonce is accosted by fashion police in riot gear who are apparently busting her for breaking a New York state law prohibiting back up dancers from wearing trenchcoats while cage dancing.
9:45 Diddy needs to change it up. He's getting too complacent in his whole shtick. That's a very serious comment, by the way.
9:51 Jack Black hasn't even bothered to change his outfit in an hour. I guess they didn't bother to prepare multiple ill-fitting suits for him to wear.
9:52 Jared Leto is just making me shudder with every word that he utters.
10:03 Fort Minor (aka a guy from Linkin Park) just won for Best Ringtone and I feel a bit disconcerted, as though they are running a clip from next year's show.
10:05 Whoa! The bass player from Fall Out Boy just let the lead singer speak on camera!
10:06 Hey, Panic! At The Disco have seen some Tim Burton movies.
10:10 Fergie and the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine grind awkwardly for a few moments, and then present Best New Artist to Avenged Sevenfold, who are going to have a great story to tell the rest of their World of Warcraft guild this weekend.
10:20 How is it that Jack White is so great with Meg, but so awful with The Raconteurs? The man can apparently only thrive within strict limitations.
10:21 Wow, this Britney and K-Fed pilot looks great! That's going to be on Fox, right?
10:23 Beyonce wins for "Check On It," which is probably the single best song in this broadcast thus far, including "White Light/White Heat."
10:25 Kanye West presents the Video Vanguard award to Hype Williams. I appreciate this choice, since his videos are arguably more crucial to the evolution of MTV's visual aesthetic than the music of the artists he filmed.
10:29 Some iconic Williams videos are reenacted on stage, including Missy Elliott's "The Rain." Yes, this means Missy is back in that weird shiny garbage bag suit! She's riding around in a miniature Escalade, but it stalls out and she's pushed along to the edge of the stage.
10:32 Be honest. You didn't expect Hype Williams to look like that, did you?
10:34 Why didn't they just have Sarah Silverman host this thing? This is her third bit, and she's been much better than Jack Black, who is totally phoning it in. This isn't to say that she's been incredibly funny, it's just that she's at least bringing her A game, such as it is.
10:42 Hey, Xtina! What are you gonna sing? Oh, not one of the good ones? Is this "Send In The Clowns"? Oh, I see. The boring, overwrought adult contemporary power ballad from the second disc. Really? Well, maybe another time. At least the dress is nice, dear.
10:47 Lou Reed is still here? He looks like he might be Pink's pimp. He says that he wants to see more rock and roll on MTV, but I'm not sure if he counts shitty emo bands as rock since he seems deeply mortified when the winner of the Best Rock award (or, judging by the nominated clips, Best Straight Dudes With Mascara), AFI, gleefully acknowledge his presence on stage with them in their acceptance speech.
10:52 The guy from ZZ Top? Really?
11:01 Jack Black, I like you, but you need new jokes, man. Justin Timberlake assembling furniture in JB's dressing room was pretty funny, though.
11:04 The Jackass guys are back with another PSA urging young men to examine their friends for testi cular cancer.
11:05 If I was in Fall Out Boy, I'd be realllllly worried about going up to accept an award from the deranged fratboys of Jackass.
11:06 Yeah, my instincts were right on about that. Man, the bass player of Fall Out Boy just can't stomach his leader singer at all, can he?
11:08 Al Gore's looking a bit goth. He's just doing a bunch of jokes about gas or something.
11:16 Yeah, that was Jim Jarmusch with the Raconteurs.
11:17 Wow, whoever designed J. Lo's outfit is totally getting kicked off Project Runway this week.
11:19 Panic! At The Disco win Best Video of the Year, but some black dude called Six grabbed the mic and plugged something or other. It's hard to care, though. These
11:22 Axl Rose, looking like Richard Branson in cornrows, screeches an expletive and introduces The Killers. But the thing is, he seems more like a guy who kinda looks like Axl than the guy who used to do snake dances and whatnot. Who are you now, Axl?
11:23 What's with the Freddie Mercury look, Brandon Flowers? Are you trying to say something?
11:24 Something about your sexuality?
11:25 It's okay, dude, you can tell us, and your drummer, who looks like Jason Lee on My Name Is Earl.
11:28 Mercifully, it finally ends.
Written with Todd Serencha of The Face Knife.
11/30/99 12:00 am
I loved every single Project Runway reference
9/1/06 2:48 am
Okay, no. Stop right there. That Beyonce performance was fucking FIERCE.
9/1/06 2:57 am
Brilliant. All dead on. Though I think it’s more like Wyclef WISHES he was the Phillip Seymour Hoffman of pop — PSH doesn’t shamelessly recycle his own shizz. More like Wyclef is the James Horner of pop.
9/1/06 2:58 am
Where did I say that the Beyonce performance wasn’t awesome? It was great, I love that song.
9/1/06 3:09 am
awesome play-by-play.
I don’t get the VMAs anymore.
9/1/06 3:12 am
The fashion police comment implied something less than flawless.
Snaps for Abigail Breslin.
9/1/06 3:14 am
And then there were the commercials. I know now that I’m supposed to drink a black cherry/vanilla soda, but was it Coke or Pepsi??
Also, how did Nick Lahey and Britney’s boy both convince their music labels to pay for the music behind the “sponsored by” ads?
Well, Kyle plays a guitar much better than Jack (Black, that is, not White). But Jack (White) plays better with his ex-sister/girlfriend/spouse than The Rack(cont.)tin-ears.
9/1/06 3:38 am
Waitaminnit: “My Humps” and “best” anything in the same sentence? (falls over in a crumpled heap) “Best ringtone“?!? (brain liquifies and pools in steaming puddles around ears)
9/1/06 5:05 am
OK, hold up…I hope that wasn’t actually a Brendan Benson dis that I spotted in there.
9/1/06 4:15 pm
this was SO much better than actually suffering through the program. thanks Matt!
9/1/06 4:31 pm
you know who Nicole Richie looks like? One of those weirdo Rachel Dratch characters on SNL.
9/1/06 4:52 pm
You mean like the one with the arm on the head, the Angelina Jolie incest baby?
9/1/06 4:54 pm
what I loved is how terrified skeletor, I mean ritchie, looked when pink bounded onstage. was she afraid she was going to be eaten by pink? that’s silly. she clearly wouldn’t provide enough nutrients.
9/1/06 4:59 pm
I can’t believe I watched as much as I did of it. All your comments were exactly what I was thinking…
9/1/06 5:53 pm
that was fucking awful. you sound like you’re trying out for a spot as a “best week ever” commentator.
9/1/06 5:53 pm
Good call on the White Stripes vs. The Raconteurs. All the Raconteurs-love is The Emperor’s New Clothes, it seems to me.
9/1/06 6:38 pm
It’s easy to mock, but when was the last time you put on a video awards show, huh?
9/1/06 6:45 pm
Easy to mock? Read this:
http://www.bestweekever.tv/2006/08/31/live-blogging-the-vmas/
and tell me how easy it is to mock. We just make it LOOK easy.
9/1/06 9:05 pm
Really enjoyed this - thanks!
9/1/06 10:03 pm
I have as much reason to be snarky as anyone else about MTV, (if not more so, as I had a failed show on the channel) but I really liked the ‘awards’ last night. Maybe I’m slipppin’, but I thought Timberlake was entertaining, the opening with JB was hilarious (though reminiscent of his appearance on “Ellen” a while back), and Beyonce’s yelling (coupled with that “Rhythm Nation”-esque dance break) tickled me. What I was most impressed by was the visual design of the show, and how they made Radio City look like it was a giant video itself. This was the most eye-catching VMA’s I’ve ever seen, and in a time when videos aren’t very creative, the packaging and presentation of their ‘awards’ bested the content you see at any given time on the channel, or MTV2 or MTV Hits. (How’s that for a run-on sentence?) I’m not really into run-of-the-mill pop music, which is why I visit sites like this, but I think all the hating is extreme considering the ambition of last night’s show. So I guess I’m saying that in today’s pop-cult landscape, the show was the peanut in the turd. On a fundamental level, the peanut is delicious, but few would want to take a bite.
9/1/06 10:23 pm
I laughed out loud several times reading this, but… it needed more James Blunt.
9/1/06 10:47 pm
This is awesome–not only do I now not have to watch the show ever, but 2fs wrote the comment I was going to make! My work here is done! Yay!
9/2/06 3:41 am
…Yeah, that’s a bit too much snark for me. But you would’ve been a better host than JB, for sure.
9/2/06 3:50 pm
Wow do you like anything? You really need to get laid. Semi-dissing Sarah Silverman, Jack White, and Lou Reed in the same column should be grounds for being put on the “no one gives a fuck what you have to say” shelf.
9/2/06 4:46 pm
Well, I like Jack White but he was not at his best in this thing, and neither was Sarah Silverman. None of these people or their performances are above being critiqued, or unworthy of some gentle ribbing.
I was in no way dissing Lou Reed! In fact, aside from a few obvious exceptions, we were not aiming to dis anyone. It’s a lighthearted review of the show, and of the performances, not some angry “I hate pop culture” rant. I like pop culture, and I like MTV, and I like a majority of the people who were on the show this year, even if only a small handful of them performed up to any kind of high standard. (I wuv you, Beyonce!)
9/3/06 3:08 am
C’mon, Mr. White and Co. deserves some credit for being the best house band on television. And did you hear when they sang “Internet Killed the Video Star”? Holy shit!
9/3/06 1:56 pm
The best house band on television is the Max Weinberg 7, pal!
9/3/06 8:40 pm
Best part: Lachey as Milhouse’s dad.
9/3/06 11:04 pm
beyonce…why didn’t she sing her hit song,
lick my neck, my back
my pussy and my crack.
i love that song. i like your review of the mtvvmalogoviacomglomarate awards.
how did you get invited?
are you famous?
jack e. jett
FUTV
http://www.jackejett.com
9/4/06 3:56 am
I wasn’t invited, I watched it on tv. The people who get invited have to watch it in a press room that gets lots of interruptions, and I could have never done this like that.
(I think you might know this, but that “My Neck, My Back” is by Khia, not Beyonce.)
9/4/06 6:37 pm
Awesome, now I don’t even need to watch the re-runs, thanks!
9/5/06 8:03 pm
It’s astonishing that the fashion critiques you made were about Beyonce’s trenchcoat (which was fabulous), J-Lo’s ensemble (which was the best outfit in the entire place, very Grey Gardens), and Brandon Flowers channeling Freddy Mercury in Dior Homme, which should have been a pleasant surprise.
Did you fail to notice all of the pop-punk-musical-theater-period garb with jelled bangs and eyeliner happening ALL OVER the place? Wasn’t some guy performing in a felt top hat?
Stick to blogging about music because your style notions are way out of whack.. and speaking of music I’m pretending that I didn’t read those insults about Lou Reed and Brendan Benson.
Was this guest written by Perez Hilton or something? I used to like this blog.
9/5/06 9:18 pm
Well, what is the point in even mentioning the bad emo-goth clothing? I mean, probably should have called attention to Pete Wentz’s cape, but even still. Who expects those guys to look good?
9/5/06 11:05 pm
I almost typed “(besides the Max Weinberg 7)”, but thought it might take away from my point. Ha!
9/6/06 12:03 am
Yeah, i was more disappointed than i expected. Despite the white light/white heat thing.
Oh, and just so you know? All American Rejects, Fallout Boy, and their Ilk? Mainstreamo. that is what they are to be called.
9/6/06 2:57 pm
chunky black guy dressed up as an undertaker?!? THAT WAS TIMBALAND OMGWTF APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!
9/6/06 10:29 pm
You are worse at playing the catty snarkbox than you are at ineloquent gushing praise, and that is saying a lot.
Word to my man above, show Timbaland a modicum of respect (not to mention his bodybuilding routine - that is not chunk, my friend), also recognize that Justin’s dancing was phenomenal, recognize that, for songcraft, the All American Rejects song is heads above 20% of the twee tuneless crap you go ga-ga for here, and for god’s sake don’t *don’t* mimic the same frat boys who gave you a wedgie in the hi-fi bathroom last week by gay-baiting Brandon Flowers. Please.
That said, the VMAs make no sense.
9/6/06 11:52 pm
This post is brill. Ignore the haters!
9/8/06 7:54 am
hahaha
this is great, thank you so much for helping those of us out who didnt or couldnt watch the entire shithole of fun